I’ve been creating so many #lesbianmemes lately. I might as well use them in my posts, right? Oh. And most of them involve Tegan or Sara, or both. 😁
But really, yeah. This happened. The guy who used to work with both Mark and me at our old company had indeed mentioned us to my manager, who tells everyone everything, so no wonder I was flying under the gaydar. Today a few of us were sitting around talking about our exes, and this came up. So pretty much everyone at work thinks I’m straight.
It’s kind of ironic. I envisioned being visibly gay at work while being in the closet at home, not the other way around. So what’s stopping me from telling them? I don’t know exactly. I feel like the label has been slapped so hard on me that no matter how many pairs of oxfords I wear, no matter if I decide to buy that rainbow umbrella I really want from Target or replace my lanyard with a Pride lanyard, I’m not going to be recognized until I up and say, “So I have a date with a girl this weekend…”
And my mom seems confused. During my coming out conversation, she was like, “But you seemed sad when Mark broke up with you.”
“Of course I was sad, Mom. I really did love him. It wasn’t fake. But I’m dating girls now.”
She keeps saying stuff now to the effect of, “You were always gay. You’ve always thought guys were icky, and you were just pretending for us.” Which isn’t true. But it’s the only way she can wrap her mind around it, because “somewhere on the spectrum” or “uncertain” or “sexually fluid” is uncomfortably undefined for her. Hell, it’s uncomfortably undefined for me! So I think that’s the problem with coming out to my coworkers, or anyone else who knew me as straight in any capacity. It’s like having had a boyfriend, and having truly invested myself in the relationship (not faking it), invalidates my queerness.
But I’m OK for now. I’ve come out to my parents and that’s the most important step. It’s not like my coworkers are trying to set me up with guys.
It’s just that it feels so good to be out and proud.