4 comments on “LIKE STEEL IN MY PALMS

  1. I deeply feel for you and hope you’re getting some emotional relief now since you wrote this entry!

    I feel I can empathise, because I can remember what it was like to be in your position in the 90s in Britain – the knowledge of so many people being prejudiced and bigoted and hateful, creating a deep need for accepting friends and social contacts, and how it feels and is when that doesn’t work out. Add a recent deep love disappointment – and depression, which I have read on this blog that you’ve suffered from – to the mix, and it must be beyond horrendous, which your excellent writing skills vividly bring across! (Virtural hugs, if you want them).

    If you want my advice, from strong instinct, I’d like to really encourage you in something I think you probably as an intelligent and sensitive person already know – you should really nurture yourself and treat yourself very kindly. I would hope that you pour love and care into yourself regardless of how anybody else treats you, as if long-term-wise you get low self esteem and go into your shell socially over this, that will stop you from responding to the fantastical opportunities for friendship which no doubt you will come across – I can tell that you’ll have those opportunities, from your blog. Sadly, I don’t think most people meet many genuine friends in life – if you can look back aged over 40 and see 3 genuine friends you met over the age of 2o or even, 30 who were good for you, and whom you’re really glad you’re met, you’re doing really well, and as well as can be expected – but, for likable people like youself, they will be there. For what its worth I’m sure you can get emotionally nourished by others, and have great social fun, and find love.

    I went through what you did in my own kind of way, and I nurtured myself and became okay through that. At one point I found I had to give myself emotional support. I found it through spirituality – getting involved in a non-Christian Spiritualist healers group and meeting other healers – and, the creativity of my writing and costuming, and the solitary leisure interests of simply watching movies at home, (I’m a great movies fan), buying my own bedroom TV/DVD combo and collecting a library of all my favourite movies and programmes, and so on, getting my bedroom at home super comfortable, buying myself chocolates, spending time alone just lost in fantasy. That’s how I get my emotional strength now, as much as I do from people, but, when I didn’t need people so much due to my personal selfish happiness, they came anyway – attracted to the passive me of who I was – and, now I have those also to give me support. So that’s just what has helped me…

    Another thing which helps me as a very sensitive person, is something somebody else recommended I did during my difficult times – ask myself if this will matter in five years time. Also, if it’s something I would judge somebody else for, (a lot of us tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than others. I’m one of them).

    Of course, please toss all my stuff aside if it’s not useful or wanted. I’m just an e pal but I hope life’s treating you much more kindly now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your response made me smile – and feel a bit of light inside. It surprised me that anyone is still reading my blog, but your thoughtful support means the world to me. So thank you! 🙂

      Your advice is right on the mark. I went to a meditation workshop about a month ago where meditation was alternatively defined as “giving yourself permission to take care of yourself,” and this really resonated with me; and your words made me remember this. I needed to hear this again, because I had forgotten. It’s amazingly easy to forget to take care of yourself. Your comment about chocolates made me smile – comfort food certainly has a place in emotional healing. 🙂 For me, I like to spend time at the beach by the lake (it’s been unseasonably warm the past month) and either go running or, if I’m too depressed and low in energy to do that, lie in the sun for an hour or 2 soaking in the vitamin D.

      It’s sweet that you call me a likable person. I’ve spent the past 5 weeks (and other times at various points in life) believing – and many people who know me would agree, I think – that I am a difficult person to be around, and not very likable. My emotions are strong and all-consuming. Everything is a crisis. And then, when I start to feel a little better, I feel guilty over the people I reached out to in my darkness (basically making a big deal out of nothing). It does help to know that one person doesn’t find me intolerable. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I find how you value relationships with others so strongly, and your honesty and tolerance very appealing n valuable qualities, and I think they’re exactly the qualities which lead to strong friendships and attract people who want genuine friends. I feel angry for you that you’ve not found emotional nurturance from others lately, but I don’t think it’s because there’s anything wrong with how you’ve been behaving. It sounds like you’ve either not got the right company around you, or is it possible some have just not got the emotional or time resources to be there for you right now, may have problems themselves because I know when I’m emotionally overwrought it’s difficult for me to pick up as much about what the other person’s gong through and I think it tends to stop others expressing their pain often when they’re being confronted by somebody else’s dramatic suffering? A lot of people do friends superficially and are never there emotionally for people even though they may be polite about commiserating with a remark or too, ask how others are etc; others abandon friends emotionally when in a romance or when family members are having problems – don’t they? And above everything – is simply people’s moods or timing. Don’t blame yourself, but real friends would be understanding. But it sounds like you’re doing something really helpful with your self nurturing and yes it is so easy to forget to nurture ourselves. I do care, I’m a caring person, lots of people aren’t, that’s true. Your writing is excellent and I’m sure others are enjoying your blog, perhaps a bit shy to post 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hey…. Reading your blog makes me remember my days of anxiety, the bottled up pain and the dreams for a life longed for…. I hope writing about is making you feel better 🙂 Keep writing and devote your time for it so that you can stay motivated. I hope you have someone you can confide in and if not then I am here for you. 🙂
    THe worst thing about anxiety is when one has to keep it away and hidden from their daily life and people. It sucks but I think having even one person or a diary is great help and one shouldn’t deny that to oneself. Asking for help or giving help to yourself is the best, better then wallowing in self pity and panic.
    hugs…
    Stay strong and stay motivated. Take care girl 🙂
    God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

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