“I have some tough stuff to go over this week,” I say walking into the room. My therapist looks at me with interest. I never start a session this way. “I’m telling you now so that I don’t chicken out,” I explain.
We go over some paperwork, some business items. She drags me back to it.
“What sorts of tough things?”
Dammit. Now I have to say it. I take a deep breath.
“It’s….well, I think I overdosed on Tegan and Sara this week.” My cheeks flush. Why? Why does this only happen to me? “I know it sounds weird. But they’re my drug.” At that moment I realize I don’t even know if she knows who the fuck I’m talking about. “Wait…you know who they are, right?”
She laughs and blushes a little herself. “Um, YEAH I do!” (Fellow fangirl? Fuck, it didn’t occur to me right then and there to ask her. Would have been useful information.)
I laugh. “OK, good. So it occurred to me last night that this is something I do. I escape my unfulfilling mundane life and my emotions that are intense as fuck by escaping into some obsession, whatever it is at the moment. If there’s a story to accompany the obsession, it’s better. So all weekend I’ve been reading fanfics, writing a fanfic, watching interviews, talking to my friends as if I live in Vancouver with Tegan, researching their lives and even reading the books that inspired some of their songs, and when I had to snap out of it last night in order to get ready for work, I broke down sobbing. This can’t keep happening.”
She just looks at me. I hate it when she does this – this NOT reacting. I can never tell what she’s thinking. She does it for a reason – to get me to talk more. And it usually works, goddamn it.
Oh hey readers, and I haven’t written in five months……..Hi.
So much has happened…SO MUCH. What you need to know is (1) things didn’t work out with the last girl I was dating – I freaked out when things got too serious and ended it after date #4; (2) I had my first Pride weekend, which was almost a disaster due to my social anxiety but turned out OK; (3) instead of OD’ing on drugs and having suicide attempts I started therapy again, had a psychiatric evaluation, and got on 2 prescriptions; and (4) I missed you guys. ❤
So, back to the spam…I wrote a lame little verse last weekend about Tegan and Sara:
I use you like
A drug. I overdose
On you; and when
Your magic is spent
Or my mind ceases
To make you real for me,
That’s pretty much how it is, this business of obsession. But SO MUCH is going on with them this year. It is the year to be obsessed before I move on. Excuse me while I fangirl for a hot second.
They dropped a hot new album, Love You to Death. It’s their queerest album yet, with songs like “Boyfriend” and “BWU” explicitly addressing the fact that they’re in relationships with women. That elusive “she” finally shows up in lyrics –
All the girls I loved before
Told me they signed up for more…
BAM! But wait, there’s more. Sara comes out as not wanting to get married (I applaud this – marriage is a difficult institution); Tegan revisits old relationships and takes a tough honest look at her own behavior; both reveal a bitter history in regards to their relationship with each other – we fans had no idea just how bad the fighting was. (There were fistfights. And hair pulling.)
It was cruel of me to do what I did to you
It was wrong of me to hurt such a big part of you…
There wasn’t a single dry eye in the fandom the first time we heard “100x” and “White Knuckles.” The sisters have reuinted, though, and things are good now, as far as we can tell. (They bought houses across the street from each other in Vancouver, so that’s adorable as fuck.)
The official tour has started, and as of right now I’m planning on going to 3 concerts…more on that later. I may have stayed up pretty much all night waiting for the tickets to go on sale. Teehee.
In other news, I’ve been seduced by the dark side and have fallen for Tegan. I’ve been cheating on Sara for a good couple months now. Yikes. (In case you’re wondering, yes, that part makes it into the fanfic. I’m preparing to be murdered by fans. But it will not break up the band.)
I’m hoping that the medication helps with the obsessive nature of my interests and emotions. In the last few days, I’ve felt more chill, even during a trip to Walmart, which always gets my blood boiling. LMAO. On the not-so-bright side, I never fell asleep last night, and this has been happening about once a month where I don’t sleep at all – not because I’m not tired, but because anxiety keeps me awake.
Tomorrow is my lovely ladies’ birthday, so I thought it was high time I made a comeback. 😀